Saturday, January 10, 2009
Two Months Today
Today marks the 2 month anniversary of the birth of my gorgeous baby boy Ethan. I wish he was with us today. For the most part I have been in a pretty decent mood today. Listening to the radio on my way home from work did me in ... That damn Delilah anyways. I have to be honest, while the memories are as clear as if it was yesterday, it seems like much longer. I keep thinking it has been forever, and it really was not too long ago. Ofcourse there are days when I have to remind myself it has been 2 months, not just a few days. I am keeping myself busy planning our wedding. Shawn and I are getting married on Valentines Day. We plan to start trying to conceive again after that. I guess I don't have a ton to say today. I miss my son and I am looking forward to trying again. We feel like we are missing something in our lives and we know that what is missing is children to share our love with.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Christmas 2008
Christmas is typically my time of year to be selfish. I know it is supposed to be all about giving. But I do that all year long. This is the one time of year that I know I am going to get something, even if it is small, for that one moment in time it is truly about me. This year was nothing like that at all! I was in pain all day (got to love debilitating gas cramps) and I got to deal with a cranky 3 year old. We went to Shawn's parents for Christmas, didn't get much sleep, and we only there for one day. I got a few things as well as gave a few. I love the things I got. I received an Angel Bear with November's birthstone. I did okay all day and really it was beautiful. But I bawled my eyes out for probably 2 of the 5 hour drive home. All I could think of was the saying on the back of the Angel Bear box, and how badly I wish I had gotten to know my Angel. I know Ethan would have had a different description had he been born on time since he was not due until March. However I know he would have been pretty close to that description anyways and it just breaks my heart to know that my beautiful boy will never get the chance to know any of these people who love him so deeply. I miss him and I think of him every single day. Most people think that I am strong. Most assume that I have moved on. I am not typically a liar in any fashion. However I have become a fantastic liar in the face of this past year. I have lost 2 Angels whom I have wanted and loved with every part of my being. It is so hard to explain to someone who has not been through it, just how God awful this makes you feel. It is much easier to say I am fine and to go on with life acting as if nothing has happened. When in reality behind the facade I am broken to pieces and holding myself together by the sheer will of God, whom I am by the way so extremely angry with.
November: Citrine
The citrine represents the thirteenth anniversary and is
believed to symbolize lightheartedness and joy. In ancient
times, people carried citrine as a protection against snake
venom and evil thoughts. People born in November are
especially able to experience the calmness and hope that
citrine brings.
November: Citrine
The citrine represents the thirteenth anniversary and is
believed to symbolize lightheartedness and joy. In ancient
times, people carried citrine as a protection against snake
venom and evil thoughts. People born in November are
especially able to experience the calmness and hope that
citrine brings.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Don't think I do not grieve
A woman named Tiffany on my loss board posted this poem and I asked her if I could post it here as well.
Don't Think I do Not Grieve (by Brenda Penepent)
Don't think I do not feel; because you see no tears. A river rages deep inside of grief, and loss and fears. Just because I do not cry now, don't think my heart's not broken. I keep inside the misery of words not to be spoken. Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke, so you won't see the pain; or notice how my hands shake, or how I've gone insane. Each time I chance to think of her/him/them, my heart is ripped asunder. The loss I feel is mine alone, you will not see my thunder.
Don't Think I do Not Grieve (by Brenda Penepent)
Don't think I do not feel; because you see no tears. A river rages deep inside of grief, and loss and fears. Just because I do not cry now, don't think my heart's not broken. I keep inside the misery of words not to be spoken. Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke, so you won't see the pain; or notice how my hands shake, or how I've gone insane. Each time I chance to think of her/him/them, my heart is ripped asunder. The loss I feel is mine alone, you will not see my thunder.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
4 weeks past
I feel like I am dying inside. I know that is normal but seriously I just can't take it anymore. I go days without crying, not because I don't need to, but because if I do I will fall apart. I have not visited Ethan for 2 weeks, and haven't looked at his pictures in atleast as long. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I am never alone anymore. Shawn is always around. I know he is grieving too but I just can't sit around and talk about how I am feeling. I can't explain it in words that come out of my mouth so what is the point? I just need some damn time alone. I wont see him again until Thurs night so I have a few days. But I also have no car, no way to go see my son. Like it matters, it's fricking freezing outside and with the snow, I will never be able to find him anyways.
I am so lost. I am angry ALL the time. The smallest things piss me off so much you would think someone just betrayed me after years and years.. and it could be as small as the computer not plugging in correctly, or a kiss that Shawn tries to make too passionate. I mean seriously, who the hell gets mad about a kiss? I have tried explaining to him that it makes me angry, and not because I am mad at him it is just the reaction I have and I don't know why. But he forgets or whatever and does it again, atleast once a day. I know that is probably the dumbest thing in the world to get mad about but God it just puts me over the edge.
Aside from the anger I feel so much guilt. I wish I had been smarter. Everyone keeps telling me that nothing could have been done, that it isn't my fault. In reality it is so very much my own fault. I went into early labor because of an infection. An infection almost undoubtably caused by toys that I used and did not clean properly all because I didn't want to wait a few days for Shawn. Not to mention I knew I was having Braxton Hicks the day before, I measured them because someone had JUST made a post that very day about going in if you get more than 4 an hour and I had 4 in 45 minutes. I didn't go in because I am too much of a chicken to go in and be told it was nothing. I mean really, how is that NOT my fault? I knew something wasn't right Saturday night when I thought I pee'd myself but I didn't have to pee that bad; I was most likely leaking amniotic fluid. Not that that can be confirmed since again, the nurse was an idiot. I knew something wasn't right when I had so many BH. But I did nothing. Also when I got to the hospital and the friggin idiot nurse hooked up 2 belts, 1 to find the heartbeat the other to check for contractions.. and she never turned the contraction part on and I should have told her just to check for my own sanity. I should have screamed at someone to save my baby when he came out instead of sitting there like a fucking deer in the headlights. And yes in reality I know that by that point they probably couldn't have stopped it even if they had known I was having contractions and I know he would have had almost no chance for survival. But still, shouldn't a mother demand these things anyways? I also know that I was new to all of this and most people going through it the first time haven't got a clue as to what is going on, what to expect, or what should/could be done. None of that makes me feel better.
I keep telling myself that if I can keep my head above water until the end of the year that things will be better. But it is getting harder and harder every day. Shouldn't it be getting easier by now? Atleast a tiny bit?
I have been back to the clinic because of an infection, which was treated. I am still bleeding, I feel like someone is clawing the inside of me.. and that just isn't normal. Not to mention I feel pressue like my insides are falling out. I know they are not, it's not literally possible. It's just an uncomfortable feeling. I know I have to call and make an appointment, just haven't had time until tomorrow hopefully. I have this God awful daily reminder of what happened. I can't get away from it for even a few minutes. It's there constantly, daily, and ever so remembered.
I had the worst dream lastnight.. that I called and scheduled an appointment to go back and get checked again and they told me I could never have children. It tore my heart out.
Welcome to my 4 weeks out. It's been awful.
I am so lost. I am angry ALL the time. The smallest things piss me off so much you would think someone just betrayed me after years and years.. and it could be as small as the computer not plugging in correctly, or a kiss that Shawn tries to make too passionate. I mean seriously, who the hell gets mad about a kiss? I have tried explaining to him that it makes me angry, and not because I am mad at him it is just the reaction I have and I don't know why. But he forgets or whatever and does it again, atleast once a day. I know that is probably the dumbest thing in the world to get mad about but God it just puts me over the edge.
Aside from the anger I feel so much guilt. I wish I had been smarter. Everyone keeps telling me that nothing could have been done, that it isn't my fault. In reality it is so very much my own fault. I went into early labor because of an infection. An infection almost undoubtably caused by toys that I used and did not clean properly all because I didn't want to wait a few days for Shawn. Not to mention I knew I was having Braxton Hicks the day before, I measured them because someone had JUST made a post that very day about going in if you get more than 4 an hour and I had 4 in 45 minutes. I didn't go in because I am too much of a chicken to go in and be told it was nothing. I mean really, how is that NOT my fault? I knew something wasn't right Saturday night when I thought I pee'd myself but I didn't have to pee that bad; I was most likely leaking amniotic fluid. Not that that can be confirmed since again, the nurse was an idiot. I knew something wasn't right when I had so many BH. But I did nothing. Also when I got to the hospital and the friggin idiot nurse hooked up 2 belts, 1 to find the heartbeat the other to check for contractions.. and she never turned the contraction part on and I should have told her just to check for my own sanity. I should have screamed at someone to save my baby when he came out instead of sitting there like a fucking deer in the headlights. And yes in reality I know that by that point they probably couldn't have stopped it even if they had known I was having contractions and I know he would have had almost no chance for survival. But still, shouldn't a mother demand these things anyways? I also know that I was new to all of this and most people going through it the first time haven't got a clue as to what is going on, what to expect, or what should/could be done. None of that makes me feel better.
I keep telling myself that if I can keep my head above water until the end of the year that things will be better. But it is getting harder and harder every day. Shouldn't it be getting easier by now? Atleast a tiny bit?
I have been back to the clinic because of an infection, which was treated. I am still bleeding, I feel like someone is clawing the inside of me.. and that just isn't normal. Not to mention I feel pressue like my insides are falling out. I know they are not, it's not literally possible. It's just an uncomfortable feeling. I know I have to call and make an appointment, just haven't had time until tomorrow hopefully. I have this God awful daily reminder of what happened. I can't get away from it for even a few minutes. It's there constantly, daily, and ever so remembered.
I had the worst dream lastnight.. that I called and scheduled an appointment to go back and get checked again and they told me I could never have children. It tore my heart out.
Welcome to my 4 weeks out. It's been awful.
2 weeks after
It has been 2 weeks since I gave birth to our precious angel Ethan. I miss him so incredibly much. I never knew anything could hurt this bad. I am okay most days, but I think I am just in shock or ignoring it. I am so used to being there for everyone else that I am not sure how to handle my own grief. I try to keep myself busy.
The only answer we have to our loss is an infection of some sort. All tests came back negative so they are unable to tell us specifically what caused my early labor. The doctor labeled it as a miscarriage which I find odd. Maybe I am wrong but I have always thought of a miscarriage as what happened before or even a stillborn. I gave birth, he tried to breath, he was alive. He just was not developed enough to survive. I didn't even ask them to save him. Looking back now I wish I had. I am sure it would have been a lot harder since he had no chance of survival. But I wish I had said something, done something. But I can wish all I want and it wont change a thing.
I also wish Shawn had held him. I don't blame him for not wanting to. But I was able to hold our little boy and I wish he had taken that opportunity. I also wish we had gotten pictures with him. They took pictures of him, but that was in another room. Again something I should have asked for but I didn't know they were even taking pictures.
I went to the cemetery today. It was hard and I just stood there feeling silly talking to him. Maybe it will be easier once spring comes and I can sit down and talk. Who knows. Today has been a very rough day. I am glad for some alone time though. Gives me a chance to think and not be concerned what my tears or thoughts are doing to Shawn. I know it tears him up when I cry.
I miss my baby. My body has decided to remind me every single day that I lost my child. I keep feeling these air bubbles I think but they feel like little tiny kicks and it kills me everytime I feel it. I know it's just my body and organs returning to normal but it's a very unfair way to do so.
A friend and I are going to make a scrapbook with all the pictures and other memorabilia. I don't even know where to start though. I have all the pics and I made copies so I could cut up the copies and keep the originals. But I don't know what to do next.
I guess I am just talking, not sure if anyone will even read this. Just needed to write a bit I guess. I am so lost. I don't know how to deal with any of this. It hits me at the weirdest times. I know that I am strong and will get through this. I don't have a choice on that one. But it looks like a very long road.
The only answer we have to our loss is an infection of some sort. All tests came back negative so they are unable to tell us specifically what caused my early labor. The doctor labeled it as a miscarriage which I find odd. Maybe I am wrong but I have always thought of a miscarriage as what happened before or even a stillborn. I gave birth, he tried to breath, he was alive. He just was not developed enough to survive. I didn't even ask them to save him. Looking back now I wish I had. I am sure it would have been a lot harder since he had no chance of survival. But I wish I had said something, done something. But I can wish all I want and it wont change a thing.
I also wish Shawn had held him. I don't blame him for not wanting to. But I was able to hold our little boy and I wish he had taken that opportunity. I also wish we had gotten pictures with him. They took pictures of him, but that was in another room. Again something I should have asked for but I didn't know they were even taking pictures.
I went to the cemetery today. It was hard and I just stood there feeling silly talking to him. Maybe it will be easier once spring comes and I can sit down and talk. Who knows. Today has been a very rough day. I am glad for some alone time though. Gives me a chance to think and not be concerned what my tears or thoughts are doing to Shawn. I know it tears him up when I cry.
I miss my baby. My body has decided to remind me every single day that I lost my child. I keep feeling these air bubbles I think but they feel like little tiny kicks and it kills me everytime I feel it. I know it's just my body and organs returning to normal but it's a very unfair way to do so.
A friend and I are going to make a scrapbook with all the pictures and other memorabilia. I don't even know where to start though. I have all the pics and I made copies so I could cut up the copies and keep the originals. But I don't know what to do next.
I guess I am just talking, not sure if anyone will even read this. Just needed to write a bit I guess. I am so lost. I don't know how to deal with any of this. It hits me at the weirdest times. I know that I am strong and will get through this. I don't have a choice on that one. But it looks like a very long road.
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