2 weeks after

It has been 2 weeks since I gave birth to our precious angel Ethan. I miss him so incredibly much. I never knew anything could hurt this bad. I am okay most days, but I think I am just in shock or ignoring it. I am so used to being there for everyone else that I am not sure how to handle my own grief. I try to keep myself busy.
The only answer we have to our loss is an infection of some sort. All tests came back negative so they are unable to tell us specifically what caused my early labor. The doctor labeled it as a miscarriage which I find odd. Maybe I am wrong but I have always thought of a miscarriage as what happened before or even a stillborn. I gave birth, he tried to breath, he was alive. He just was not developed enough to survive. I didn't even ask them to save him. Looking back now I wish I had. I am sure it would have been a lot harder since he had no chance of survival. But I wish I had said something, done something. But I can wish all I want and it wont change a thing.
I also wish Shawn had held him. I don't blame him for not wanting to. But I was able to hold our little boy and I wish he had taken that opportunity. I also wish we had gotten pictures with him. They took pictures of him, but that was in another room. Again something I should have asked for but I didn't know they were even taking pictures.
I went to the cemetery today. It was hard and I just stood there feeling silly talking to him. Maybe it will be easier once spring comes and I can sit down and talk. Who knows. Today has been a very rough day. I am glad for some alone time though. Gives me a chance to think and not be concerned what my tears or thoughts are doing to Shawn. I know it tears him up when I cry.
I miss my baby. My body has decided to remind me every single day that I lost my child. I keep feeling these air bubbles I think but they feel like little tiny kicks and it kills me everytime I feel it. I know it's just my body and organs returning to normal but it's a very unfair way to do so.
A friend and I are going to make a scrapbook with all the pictures and other memorabilia. I don't even know where to start though. I have all the pics and I made copies so I could cut up the copies and keep the originals. But I don't know what to do next.
I guess I am just talking, not sure if anyone will even read this. Just needed to write a bit I guess. I am so lost. I don't know how to deal with any of this. It hits me at the weirdest times. I know that I am strong and will get through this. I don't have a choice on that one. But it looks like a very long road.