4 weeks past

I feel like I am dying inside. I know that is normal but seriously I just can't take it anymore. I go days without crying, not because I don't need to, but because if I do I will fall apart. I have not visited Ethan for 2 weeks, and haven't looked at his pictures in atleast as long. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I am never alone anymore. Shawn is always around. I know he is grieving too but I just can't sit around and talk about how I am feeling. I can't explain it in words that come out of my mouth so what is the point? I just need some damn time alone. I wont see him again until Thurs night so I have a few days. But I also have no car, no way to go see my son. Like it matters, it's fricking freezing outside and with the snow, I will never be able to find him anyways.

I am so lost. I am angry ALL the time. The smallest things piss me off so much you would think someone just betrayed me after years and years.. and it could be as small as the computer not plugging in correctly, or a kiss that Shawn tries to make too passionate. I mean seriously, who the hell gets mad about a kiss? I have tried explaining to him that it makes me angry, and not because I am mad at him it is just the reaction I have and I don't know why. But he forgets or whatever and does it again, atleast once a day. I know that is probably the dumbest thing in the world to get mad about but God it just puts me over the edge.

Aside from the anger I feel so much guilt. I wish I had been smarter. Everyone keeps telling me that nothing could have been done, that it isn't my fault. In reality it is so very much my own fault. I went into early labor because of an infection. An infection almost undoubtably caused by toys that I used and did not clean properly all because I didn't want to wait a few days for Shawn. Not to mention I knew I was having Braxton Hicks the day before, I measured them because someone had JUST made a post that very day about going in if you get more than 4 an hour and I had 4 in 45 minutes. I didn't go in because I am too much of a chicken to go in and be told it was nothing. I mean really, how is that NOT my fault? I knew something wasn't right Saturday night when I thought I pee'd myself but I didn't have to pee that bad; I was most likely leaking amniotic fluid. Not that that can be confirmed since again, the nurse was an idiot. I knew something wasn't right when I had so many BH. But I did nothing. Also when I got to the hospital and the friggin idiot nurse hooked up 2 belts, 1 to find the heartbeat the other to check for contractions.. and she never turned the contraction part on and I should have told her just to check for my own sanity. I should have screamed at someone to save my baby when he came out instead of sitting there like a fucking deer in the headlights. And yes in reality I know that by that point they probably couldn't have stopped it even if they had known I was having contractions and I know he would have had almost no chance for survival. But still, shouldn't a mother demand these things anyways? I also know that I was new to all of this and most people going through it the first time haven't got a clue as to what is going on, what to expect, or what should/could be done. None of that makes me feel better.

I keep telling myself that if I can keep my head above water until the end of the year that things will be better. But it is getting harder and harder every day. Shouldn't it be getting easier by now? Atleast a tiny bit?

I have been back to the clinic because of an infection, which was treated. I am still bleeding, I feel like someone is clawing the inside of me.. and that just isn't normal. Not to mention I feel pressue like my insides are falling out. I know they are not, it's not literally possible. It's just an uncomfortable feeling. I know I have to call and make an appointment, just haven't had time until tomorrow hopefully. I have this God awful daily reminder of what happened. I can't get away from it for even a few minutes. It's there constantly, daily, and ever so remembered.
I had the worst dream lastnight.. that I called and scheduled an appointment to go back and get checked again and they told me I could never have children. It tore my heart out.

Welcome to my 4 weeks out. It's been awful.