Christmas 2008

Christmas is typically my time of year to be selfish. I know it is supposed to be all about giving. But I do that all year long. This is the one time of year that I know I am going to get something, even if it is small, for that one moment in time it is truly about me. This year was nothing like that at all! I was in pain all day (got to love debilitating gas cramps) and I got to deal with a cranky 3 year old. We went to Shawn's parents for Christmas, didn't get much sleep, and we only there for one day. I got a few things as well as gave a few. I love the things I got. I received an Angel Bear with November's birthstone. I did okay all day and really it was beautiful. But I bawled my eyes out for probably 2 of the 5 hour drive home. All I could think of was the saying on the back of the Angel Bear box, and how badly I wish I had gotten to know my Angel. I know Ethan would have had a different description had he been born on time since he was not due until March. However I know he would have been pretty close to that description anyways and it just breaks my heart to know that my beautiful boy will never get the chance to know any of these people who love him so deeply. I miss him and I think of him every single day. Most people think that I am strong. Most assume that I have moved on. I am not typically a liar in any fashion. However I have become a fantastic liar in the face of this past year. I have lost 2 Angels whom I have wanted and loved with every part of my being. It is so hard to explain to someone who has not been through it, just how God awful this makes you feel. It is much easier to say I am fine and to go on with life acting as if nothing has happened. When in reality behind the facade I am broken to pieces and holding myself together by the sheer will of God, whom I am by the way so extremely angry with.

November: Citrine

The citrine represents the thirteenth anniversary and is
believed to symbolize lightheartedness and joy. In ancient
times, people carried citrine as a protection against snake
venom and evil thoughts. People born in November are
especially able to experience the calmness and hope that
citrine brings.